Now, let's get serious. In my first post I want to address something that the more observant (caring) people I know in my life will have known for a while. Since, I don't know, let's say January of this year through about sometime last week, I had been suffering from unofficial clinical depression. I say "unofficial" because I never actually saw anyone for it, 'cause that costs moneys. Okay it probably can't be called "clinical," but regardless, I was depressed. I was not "bummed out" or "hitting a low," I was having extreme breakdowns and listening to a lot of Pink Floyd and Green Day. You know who listens to The Wall every day in their car? Depressed people. In September I discovered the Spring Awakening soundtrack and things just escalated from there, 'cause SHIT is that a depressing musical. Guess who my favorite character was? That's right, the kid who blows his brains out.
Also, I liked his haircut.
Being depressed for that long a period is awful, absolutely dreadful. I was still able to go out and have fun once in a while, but it was only ever a temporary escape. I couldn't even enjoy having a great role in my last college play. Although, having to grow a mustache for it probably added to that too. You heard me, I couldn't even enjoy acting, possibly my favorite thing to do ever. Being depressed truly makes you lose sight of who you are as a person.
There are three things in life that I am qualified for: writing, acting, and singing. Possibly yardstick combat as well, but that's not technically a profession...yet. It was like I hit a wall trying to do any one of those things. I stopped writing stories practically altogether, hitting high notes in songs felt more difficult than usual, and...well, actually, my acting improved, but it was no longer fun to do. My drinking rate skyrocketed. I had a $50 bar tab one night. Fifty dollars on alcohol! You can never think clearly while depressed, you fumble through things you used to handle like a pro. You make rash decisions that turn into a pain in your ass later on. You can never really be quite sure what suddenly brought you down; sometimes a current issue brings forth problems from your past, it could be as simple (it's not "simple") as liking someone who doesn't like you back. In my case, sometimes questioning yourself too much results in you hating yourself. I sure had a lot of questions for myself, such as "What the hell's wrong with you?!" Also, SPOILER ALERT, post-grad life sucks nuts.
Above: a black lie.
In situations like that, you look for any possible way out. I left town for a while to Buffalo, and while I felt better there, I was still suffering. I applied to and auditioned for a musical theatre program in New York. I got in with flying colors, but I realized I didn't want to go to school. I just wanted to perform. At my worst moments, I thought about "opting out" completely, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. No one ever should be, either. I'm sure everyone has thought about it at some point or other. That is the one comforting thing about depression: you know you're never alone. For anyone else out there who feels this way, suicide is definitely not the way. It's not a fast-forward button to get through the sadness, it's a STOP button. Actually, it's more like ejecting the DVD and breaking it in half, and then stomping the DVD player into pieces. No more movies. Ever. And no, you can't just buy another one.
So how am I doing now? I feel great, actually. I read a book called John Dies at the End that I just couldn't put down, like literally. Days passed as I read and I realized that these were days where I wasn't sad. Reading something again also reminded me how much I love writing, and immediately after I finished I went onto my computer and pulled up a 300-page story I had written about five years ago. I did a quick readthrough and thought, "I got some good shit here," and decided to go through and revise it. I found I couldn't concentrate well in my room so I've moved my "workstation" to the kitchen, effectively spending more than five minutes out of my room, something I haven't done in weeks. And you know what? I'm having a lot of fun revising this piece of shit I called a book. I mean, I'm not completely satisfied with myself yet. I'm still unemployed and live in the middle of nowhere, but I'm beginning to think more clearly about things now. And I never had to pay a shrink or take Prozac. That's gotta be some kind of "achievement unlocked," right?
So I'm rewriting my book to someday try and get published, but that still leaves the acting and singing parts of my life unfulfilled. The best time to do it is while I'm young, so I'll see if a big move is possible in the near future. I think LA would be cool. Lots of theatre and film opportunities. And after Googling and Youtubing the sage advice of Broadway and Newsroom actor John Gallagher Jr. (who, I discovered, wears the same kind of Chucks I do), I honestly think acting or music school would be a waste of my time and money, especially considering I still have student loans to pay off from going to real school. I'm not ruling out voice or dance lessons, I just don't want to spend thousands of dollars on something that may or may not pay off. So I guess you can say I'm taking the first step to undepressing myself. You just gotta do stuff, you know?
So yeah, that was a fun time. I know this post wasn't quite as lighthearted as the first one - it was probably like reading the fourth Harry Potter book and expecting another magical adventure where everyone gets out okay.
"This is the world, kids!" -- J.K. Rowling.
So in short: depression sucks, kill it with fire, and don't try suicide 'cause living is awesome.
I hope y'all've learned a little something from my splurge of wisdom and, just maybe, thought that it unexpectedly made sense actually. I'm sure enjoying blogging so far. I'd like to make a shout-out to my former castmate Jesse Pardee, who indirectly inspired me to do this, and encourage everyone to read her extremely entertaining and thought-provoking blog:
http://jesseisdisgruntled.blogspot.com/
Honorable mention to Katie Weber's new blog - http://tonsilsaregross.blogspot.com/ - and any other Grease cast alumni who will inevitably start a blog. Love and miss you all!
If you liked what you saw here today, please tell your friends! Spread the joy! And don't let this post deceive you, I'm actually a very fun guy.
Until next time,
Tyler
P.S. Never mix apple cider and liquor. Bad things happen. Only bad things.
Realization of the Week:
Gary Oldman is the best actor ever, and this is indisputable.
