I Dreamed a...Something

Let's talk about dreams for a bit. Everybody claims to have dreams unlike everyone else they know, as if having weirder dreams is the new dick measuring. However, I am willing to bet that my dreams are the weirdest -- and possibly most masochistic -- dreams you will ever have heard of. And this isn't just me who thinks so. People I've described my dreams to have had similar opinions, usually after a brief period of stunned horror.

For one, everybody I talk dreams with has described that point when you realize you're in a dream. I have rarely to never experienced that, and when I do I use it to wake up immediately. Otherwise, just like Leo says in Inception, everything seems ordinary and uneventful in my dreams.

                                 Just an average Tuesday according to my subconscious.

Now bizarre imagery and impossible physics are a staple of your average dream, even if you don't realize it seems off at first. What separates me from my fellow dreamers? Well, dreams are supposed to be a place where you can achieve something you maybe never could in real life. In your dream you can land that job you've always wanted, or beat that guy you hate into a bloody submission. Maybe you get that girl or guy you've always wanted, whether he/she is a celebrity or just someone you know. You see, even in my dreams I am horribly and unfairly cockblocked by fate, that motherfucker. I don't even get to have sex in my dreams, how fucked up is that? In almost every case the girl is either killed, I'm killed, I have to fight a bad guy, she's tired, or I can't get to her in time 'cause I have to climb down some giant obstacle course that's floating in the sky. You know, typical stuff. I was in the same bed as Zooey Deschanel once and still nothing!

                                                    Literally not even in my dreams.

There was that one time I was approached by a prostitute wearing a bearskin cloak and we proceeded to levitate and have air sex, but halfway through she tells me she's been numbed by so much sex (WTF and EW!) that there was really no point in continuing. Yes, I got the boot from a bearskin-wearing flying hooker.

                                                    Like this, but surprisingly cooler.

But aside from lack of sexual satisfaction in dreams, there instances where even my subconscious tells me, "Yeah right!" I'm often faced with terrifying situations where I'm being shot at or chased by giant yetis holding spears. In a dream, you might find it within yourself to fight back and kill whatever's trying to kill you, right? Yeah, not me. My subconscious knows I'm a wuss and doesn't often try to bullshit me. I turn tail and run almost every time, like that time my friends and I were hunting Bigfoot and they all run on ahead of me to kill him. I stay behind and listen to their screams and death cries from afar. There have been times when I'm more adventurous in my dreams, but they usually end with me being killed or horribly murdered. The fucked up thing is, when I die in a dream I don't wake up. I stay dead, in the dream, just lying there on the ground. This can go on until I eventually wake up but for a while it's just me unable to move and looking up at whatever just killed me. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night after that.

                                     I would neither win this fight or be that well-dressed.

Another bizarre trait of my dreams is that when I'm paired with someone or in a group, I'll actually know maybe half of them in real life, and the rest are completely made up. And the people I do know are usually ones I'm not actually friends with or haven't spoken to in years. It's that or my friends resemble Neil Patrick Harris or Geoffrey Rush. Then there was that time I was hunting Osama bin Laden with West End sensation Kerry Ellis, the obvious candidates for the job.

                                          Saving the world with our awkward smiles.

But you know, while I often die or get don't get any, I have to say my dreams are pretty awesome. Most times I wake up wishing I could go back into the dream. Strangely enough, I sometimes succeed at this. If you would like to experience some of my dreams yourself, I highly suggest you check out the Notes section on my Facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/tyler.ianuzi/notes

In short, I love dreams, especially my dreams, 'cause they're better than yours. Also, seriously, read my dream logs. They're good reads.

Yes, this post was rushed and I couldn't think of anything to write. Expect more like this one, and possibly one drunk post in the near future.

See you all again next week!

Later,
Tyler

P.S. Are pants chains out of style?

Dream Stage Role:

St. Jimmy in American Idiot. I would literally murder you if it would get me that part.