A Room Where the Light Won't Find You

Hello dear readers, new and old, but mostly new because I've moved on from a lot of you old ones. As you newbies may not be familiar with the back catalogue of this blog -- the deep cuts if you will, unless the world's not yet ready for suicide puns -- and since in recent years the blog has dabbled in unrelated topics or just not been kept up with because its author is a lazy asshole, I thought it important to bring back the topic of depression. That and a lot of you are still so bafflingly stupid when it comes to understanding the disease.

This is the cure, right?

Since moving to New York I've come across a handful of other people who suffer from depression (go figure) and through them I meet others who continue to remain ignorant on why their friends are sad sometimes. And it's not their lack of understanding that frustrates me, it's their unwillingness to try and understand it. Something bad doesn't even need to happen for someone to get depressed, it just happens on its own most of the time.

"But Tyler," you might enquire. "You're so funny and social and talented and good looking. Really good looking! How can you possibly be depressed?"

Well first of all, thank you for the compliments. Second, remember when Robin Williams killed himself? I sure do. I remember constantly being on the verge of tears for two days afterwards and not really understanding why aside from the fact that he was my favorite actor as a child. I had recently gotten better from a bad bout of depression and then suddenly this man who, in my mind, had everything that I ever wanted -- success, money, a family and an impact left on every person, famous or not, he came across in his life -- decided to end it all. The biggest reason I kept pushing through the depression was the thought that one day I could have all of that and maybe more, so when someone who had all of that takes his own life I'm left wondering what am I fighting for?

Anyway that story ends with me texting a close friend* and her explaining to me the chemical aspect of depression and suggesting I see someone so I do and...yeah, here I am.

So I don't entirely blame you all for not understanding the full effects of depression, since I hardly did and I'd been going through it. But Christ, you've got to have a lot of nerve to tell a depressed person to "cheer up." That and the infamous "stop being sad" earn you a special place in hell in my mind. But there's hope for you, my friends, hope that you won't be so stupid forever. However this might require you to actually listen to your friends when they talk so this may be difficult for a lot of you. To ease you along, I've prepared a list of facts that you'd do well to memorize and understand:

• Funny people can be depressed
• Rich people can be depressed
• Pretty people can be depressed
• Talented people can be depressed
• People who have no obvious reason to be sad can be depressed
• Sad music doesn't affect whether you're depressed or not
• Nor do sad movies
• Depression doesn't just "end" one day. It's not a cold
• If a depressed person wants to talk, you need to listen
• Someone who attempts suicide is not crazy, they need help
• Self-harm is more common and normal than you think, but shouldn't go unchecked
• If you get angry at someone for being depressed, you're an asshole
• Please laugh when we joke about being depressed. It's awkward otherwise

So hopefully that helps. In my case the depression comes and goes but it's never fully gone. I know a lot of people who are at the same point I am and that's a big step for people like us. That says that we were at some pretty low lows but kept going on the promise that things would get better, and they did, so we know it wasn't a lie. I stress the word better because things won't really be perfect ever. Depression is like living constantly in a Tears for Fears song: there are highs and lows but always with a subtle darkness over it all.

That and regrettable haircuts.

The reason people need to understand this better than they do is because depressed people shouldn't have to only talk to other depressed people about it. I mean we can, we just shouldn't be limited to that. It's a disease that people associate with suicide and that in turn is associated with being crazy and crazy people should be avoided and left alone to do their crazy deeds. That and the fear of not wanting to be the Debbie Downer in the group. People are encouraged to hide their depression and feign happiness until the day they die, which could be very soon for some. 

I for one am attempting to be more open about my depression in the hopes that others I know will as well. It's the only way to normalize it, and maybe once it's seen as "normal" people will begin to take it seriously. 

Class dismissed,

Tyler

* I know we don't talk anymore, friend, but thank you for being there for me that night. I wish you could know how much that meant to me.

The Beauty of This Ride Ahead

Well it finally happened. After 10 odd years of hopelessly fanboying over the music of Nightwish I was recently able to meet my heroes, and it was as amazing as it was terrifying. It lasted maybe about two minutes and the memory itself is almost a blur, but I distinctly remember a few things.

• They are all really, really tall (except for Emppu, the guitarist).
• Tuomas said "nice shirt."
• I made Floor laugh by being awkward and nervous. 
• I told Marco that I taught myself how to sing by listening to him, and he replied "Oh, I didn't know that was possible."

And that's about it, really. Actually it was a little more than I had hoped for. Had I all the time in the world I would've gladly picked Tuomas's and Marco's brains about Stephen King's The Dark Tower series and what they thought of the ending and/or the most recent book, asked Kai how Jukka was recovering, asked Floor and Marco about vocal techniques or asked Troy to show me a magic trick, but those things are probably never meant to be.

In a weird way this feels like the end of a long journey but Nightwish is far from ending their "nightquest" and I don't plan to stop being a fan any time soon. I like a lot of different music and bands, but it was always different when it came to Nightwish. Something about their music and Tuomas's lyrics reach me in a way nothing else can. Not only that but it inspires me not only vocally, but in my writing as well, and ultimately, my humanity. Yes, listening to Nightwish's music makes me strive to be a better person, to seize the day and appreciate nature and the world and humanity in all its uniqueness. 

There is a personal attachment to the band for me as well. Looking back on my life so far, at least two major turning points had coincided with an album release. The first was the fall of 2007, the beginning of my senior year of high school and the release of their album Dark Passion Play. The first half of the album was very angst-ridden compared to past releases, and unlike 2002's Century Child which dealt more with unrequited love, DDP's lyrics seem to come more from personal feelings of betrayal and circumstances outside of our control. At the same time, there was the feeling of moving on from these unfortunate happenings and to carry on, appropriate for the band as they had just fired their lead singer Tarja over irreconcilable differences and were striving forward with a new vocalist. 

At this time in my life I think the early signs of depression were showing themselves, as I felt lost and unsure of where my life was heading. My closest friends in the class above me had graduated and were gone, leaving me very alone. I thought I had an interest in filmmaking but wasn't sure enough to commit solely to a film school, making college searches somehow even more difficult. On top of that, I was in love with someone who didn't love me back. So really, what did I have? I had a new Nightwish album, and somehow that was enough. Listening straight through DDP was a great therapeutic ride, as the first half of the album deals with the feelings I had and smoothly transitions away from that into a world of escapism, simultaneously allowing me to express and understand my anger and sadness while also distracting me from it. All of that in just 13 songs. 

So I survived my last year of high school and continued on into college, having a pretty normal experience. Then came senior year in 2011 and a new wave of feelings and uncertainties about my life brought the depression back, even stronger than before. Stress, post-college fears and general self-hatred plagued me long into my second and final semester and I have to admit I had serious considerations of suicide. I credit two things to keeping me from going through with this: the first was a new friend I had made that summer, someone younger who looked up to me and who I didn't want to know about the worser sides of life, and the winter release of Nightwish's Imaginaerum. 

This album is hands down my favorite by the band, even besides the fact that it saved my life. It is a loose concept album that deals with the power of imagination and childhood memories and how even our fantasies can remind us of what's really important in life. As an extremely imaginative person, I connected immediately with the music and to this day I still find new meanings in the lyrics. Additionally the themes of the album were relevant to my feelings at the time and for the first time it just felt like somebody understood what I was going through, and that somebody for once was there for me, even if only through the music. Unlike other bands and songs, though, Nightwish was telling me to get back up and keep going, because there is more to life than the things I felt I was missing at the time. 

So that's the longer answer to why I love this band more than any other, but I usually just say, "I like the music." That's why I anxiously await any news out of the Nightwish camp, no matter how small or irrelevant. It's why I have so many Nightwish t-shirts and posters and why I bought the blu-ray of the film Imaginaerum despite the fact that as a movie it is, at best, "watchable." I love the band aside from their personal impact on me, of course, but it is their affect on me and my life that makes Nightwish so special to me. I'm not saying you have to like them or even give them a chance if you don't want to. The music's not for everyone. However, if you even attempt to badmouth them to my face I will Swayze your throat out. 

The message of Nightwish is a hopeful one, a love of life, carpe diem, and carrying on through the bad times and into the better ones. It's an important message to spread in these trying times, and one that managed to reach me before it was too late. Nightwish helped me to appreciate life in all its forms, and I'm excited to see what the rest of it brings to me. 

Enter the realm, don't stay awake

The dreams remain, they only break

Forget the task, enjoy the ride

And follow us into the night.

-- Nightwish